


Half of what you think of me

by Andromedabrown



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Any tcesters the breathe on this get their orifices swapped, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Leo-centric - Freeform, Mild Blood, Self-Hatred, Steven Universe References, gem au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:14:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25879504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andromedabrown/pseuds/Andromedabrown
Summary: The situation shouldn't have even been this big a deal, Leo could have fixed it by now and Donnie wouldn't be here, typing and retyping into his computer, kept awake by the sound of something- someone ramming into the glass cylinder currently housing them.But Leo couldn’t fix this, and neither could Donnie.
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Donatello & Leonardo (TMNT), Leonardo & Michelangelo (TMNT), Leonardo & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 87





	Half of what you think of me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eternalglitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalglitch/gifts).



> This for a Steven universe/Gem Au discussed in the rottmnt angst server and cultivated by EternalGlitch 
> 
> All you need to know is that corruption works a little different here than in Steven universe, Normal healing powers can uncorrupt gems/half gems
> 
> A huge shout out to Ithekay (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithekay/pseuds/Ithekay) For being my Beta-reader slash editor
> 
> Another huge shout out to Alari, Your AU designs are what motivated me to write this one shot!
> 
> Okay folks, i hope this is was worth the wait!

_ Thunk _

Donnie wasn’t tired, sure his eyes stung, and he could feel the sluggish syncopated rhythm in his chest to an almost suffocating degree; But despite what some might say, Donnie was not tired.

_ Thunk _

He sat back in his chair; the lab was in complete darkness, save for the limited light his laptop emitted. The lair was nearly silent for once, aside from the  _ click-clacks _ of computer keys being pressed down in a sporadic fashion.

_ Thunk _

He rubbed his eyes and glared at the computer screen, as if staring at it with enough contempt would make a solution miraculously reveal itself. Every search had come up empty, without the missing piece of the puzzle, how was he- he couldn't even  _ begin _ to try and reverse this.

_ Thunk _

The situation shouldn't have even been this big a deal, Leo could have fixed it by now and Donnie wouldn't be here, typing and retyping into his computer, kept awake by the sound of something- someone ramming into the glass cylinder currently housing them.

But Leo couldn’t fix this, and neither could Donnie.

_ Thunk _

Leo’s the only one they knew that could reverse something like this, he was the one with healing tears for crying out loud. But what use was thinking about that now? About as useful as Donnie felt; Not useful at all.

Because Leo wasn't there… But that was a lie. No, he was here, but this time he was the one who needed saving.

_ Crash _

\--------------------

_ Thunk _

The glass cylinder wobbled about an inch before stabilizing again. The corrupted gem reeled and staggered backward, but watching on from the outside, Mikey knew it would only be a matter of time before he tried to break out of the reinforced glass container again.

Leo had always been very tenacious when he wanted to be.

Mikey sat cross-legged on the floor of the lab. He had originally come in to try and get Donnie to eat something; And judging by the untouched plate of chicken, Mikey had lost that battle. But instead of accepting his defeat and leaving like he usually did, Mikey simply committed to staying until Donnie finally got the message.

Which meant that inevitably, his attention was drawn to the container.

Leo was ranked lowest on the attendance chart, so it wasn't a huge red flag when he didn't show up for their weekly patrol. But maybe it should have been, maybe the fact they hadn't seen him since lunch that day should have tipped them off that something was wrong.

Instead, their involvement in the whole situation had begun with the smell of smoke.

From the rooftop they stood on, it was easy to see the blue flames that engulfed the alleyway. The promise of an escape from their mundane patrol lured them in and so without hesitation they dropped down to approach the source of the raging inferno.

It didn't take long to realize the winged figure was a corrupted gem, even if the actual gem wasn't visible from the get-go. He certainly wasn't the biggest corrupted gem they had ever encountered, but he still towered over them regardless. His wings were huge and coloured with mints, greens and yellows; His neck plumage was made from solidified crystal, as was the large tailfeather that dragged across the concrete leaving behind ugly scrapes in its wake.

He had eyed them, his eyes pure green and split apart, before screeching at the top of his lungs.

Their initial impression of the gem was that he was extremely fast, for before they had so much as blinked, the thing had already knocked Raph back by 20 feet. The fight was not one of their finest moments, but then again, the corrupted gem had certainly known when to dodge their attacks and when to land a hit. _ Of course Leo had chosen today to flake _ , Mikey thought more than a little annoyed, just their luck that the one day their brother went MIA, they happened to fight a corrupted gem.

But the gem had swooped down for Mikey, pulling him out of his train of thought, Raph almost had a mild panic attack when they saw it left a harsh stroke of red across his neck, but Mikey was quick to assure him that it was red paint.

But that raised more questions then it answered.

  
  


The gem landed on the ground and wreathed himself in blue flames, Mikey and his brothers had to shout just to be heard over its constant shrieking. For a second Mikey thought he saw blood dripping off the Gem’s beak, which spelled doom for whatever poor soul encountered this gem before they did, but he quickly realized it was the same red paint that was on his neck.

_ Wait- _

Mikey watched as the rest of the paint dripped off the gem’s beak and mandible and onto the concrete like melted wax, giving way to a dark blue bill.

Mikey’s first reaction was denial, but the most potent poison coursing in his veins was horror. He’d recognized the paint, you could only get the brand from a few Etsy shops. He remembers how long it took to find a paint that wouldn’t potentially damage their unique skin.

He eyed the ladder hanging from the fire escape. 

“Where are you going?” Raph shouted as the gem took off into the air to attempt another swoop.

“I have a hunch!” was all he had said before he jumped onto the fire escape. He waited until the gem flew under the escape, before swinging his kusari-fundo out, the chain wrapped around the gem’s wings and made him plummet towards the concrete. Mikey jumped back down as the gem crashed onto the ground, the gem lit himself on fire once more but Mikey’s weapon was well equipped to handle extreme heat and stayed firm, he screeched and tried clawing his way out. Mikey gingerly approached the Gem.

_ Please, let me be wrong, let it just be a coincidence. _

He brushed aside the neck feathers and just as quickly jerked back like he'd had been burned, which in fairness, was probably what would have happened a split second later as the gem set himself on fire once more. But there it was, an azurite gem sitting plain as day on his neck- his brother’s gem.

Mikey stumbled back a few steps, playing tug o’ war with his body over control of his voice and his limbs. Raph and Donnie stared at him, then at the corrupted Gem struggling on the ground, and then to back him with the same look of denial.

Mikey finally won the internal struggle.

“L-Leo?”

_ Thunk _

“It’s getting late,” was Donnie's not-so-subtle way of convincing him to go to bed.

Without meaning to, Mikey had brought his knees up to his chin. He turned to his purple banded brother and then to the untouched plate of food, which was cold by now, another mission failed.

_ Thunk _

“You should listen to your own advice.” Mikey mumbled out on a yawn as he got up and stretched his arms.

He received no response, so he took one last look at his contained brother; The very thought of keeping family in a glass container barely big enough for them like some sort of lab experiment, it made him sick to his stomach. But as much as he hated the situation, he knew Donnie was right and that they couldn’t let Leo run free either. What if he lashed out at innocent civilians? What if he got himself hurt? What if he ran away? What would become of his brother then? Even still, it hurt to leave his brother like this, he gave Leo one last glance before heading to his room and passing out.

  
  


_ Crash _

Mikey opened his eyes to pitch darkness, several hours later. Before he could gain his bearings, Donnie’s voice fully woke him up.

“Guys! Leo’s gone!”

\----------

“What if I don't come back one day?” They had all been in the living room, it was about midnight, and Donnie and Mikey had long fallen asleep. The soft glow of the projector was the only thing separating the room from the comforting blanket of night.

“Don't come back from where?” Leo didn't even sound tired in the slightest, he just laid upside down on one of the bean bags, drumming his fingers absentmindedly to a made-up rhythm on his plastron.

“What if I get stuck like…that.”

It had been a bad day, it was always bad then he got  _ weird _ . He felt on edge the whole morning- agitated, hyper-aware of his surroundings, something in him kept itching at him to  _ runhideattack- _ But by the time his strange behavior was noticed by his brothers, it was too late. Raph had managed to sprain Donnie’s wrist before Leo had been able to get close enough to heal him and change him back.

“It won't happen.” 

Raph fully turned to his brother, who had moved into a less dizziness-inducing position, and instead repositioned himself such that he was staring at the ceiling.

“How do you know for sure?”

Leo had propped his head on his fist, seemingly in deep thought, before he turned back to him

“‘Cause, I’m always gonna be there to bring you back, we all are,” and the way he smiled at him and said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, Raph had no choice but to believe him.

Raph cupped his hands around his mouth as he shouted down the next sewer tunnel. 

“Leo!” 

The only response he got was his echo.

He had to find Leo fast, if they waited too long, then they would risk Leo recharging and using his teleportation again. And if he teleported- Raph wouldn't know where to even begin looking.

A distraught squawk made him stop in his tracks and turn to the left. Though he found his brother, it seemed luck wasn't on their side that day, as it was coming from a tunnel currently under construction; The sound of footsteps and shouting got quieter and quieter before vanishing completely.

Raph silently entered the tunnel.

What relief he would have felt at finding his missing and corrupted brother was overshadowed by the shock seeing his condition brought. His tail feathers were cracked and some were completely shattered, causing fresh blood to drip onto the tunnel floor and trickle into the steady stream of sewer water; His talons were also stained red but Raph was pretty sure that wasn't Leo’s blood.

Raph stepped forward slowly.

Leo sensed him immediately and quickly spun around to face him, his feathers raised in warning, shrieking loudly. 

“Leo, it’s just me.” he held his hands up in a placating manner but the message didn't seem to get through to his brother, really he shouldn't have expected it to; The situation was all too familiar to him, he just wasn't used to being on this side of the conversation.

He wasn't used to seeing his brother this scared and confused, this  _ lost _ . For a moment the tendrils of doubt threatened to destroy his steely resolve, the fear that Leo would be stuck as this for the rest of days, he wouldn’t be able to see his pain-in-the-shell little brother ever again. And that terrified him.

But the moment was short and Raph took another step forward, his resolve rekindled.

_ He wouldn't give up on him. _

Leo took that as a threat, reeling back before launching himself forward, Raph held him back by his wings as he screeched in his face. Then Raph let go, causing Leo to crash into. Raph took the opportunity to wrap his arms around him, careful not to damage his shell with his grip

“It's okay,” His brother wreathed himself in blue flames as he held him. Raph felt the heat nip at his skin but he refused to back down now, not when it mattered the most.

Leo hissed and his talons clawed aimlessly, creating deep gouges in his arms as he continued to flap his wings furiously. 

“It’s okay I’ve got you.” He tried again, the heat threatened to sear through skin began to die down as did Leo’s clawing as his movements started to slow and his wings relaxed.

“We’re not going anywhere, you’re not alone, you never will be.”

And maybe he got through to him because of the way he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, but soon afterwards, Raph felt the heat disappear. A couple seconds later he could feel green tears falling on his bleeding and burnt shoulders, then a burst of light filled his vision.

\------

When he had woken up that day and felt like he was about to burst into flames, he knew he had run out of time. He had scoured under his bed and used up all the small bottles of tears that he kept there for emergencies, but even then, they only kept him together for a few more hours.

He remembered wanting to scream, to curl up into a ball and cry futile tears. He was supposed to have more time- he wasn't supposed to die at fourteen.

Leo was a ticking time bomb, and he’d known that for a long while, don’t get him wrong. The idea still scared the hell out of him, even with the years he had to prepare for it. The static would claw away at his sense of self at the worst moments, when he was alone, when he was with his brothers, but even then he had some semblance of thought to bring him back. But that day- the static was _so loud, so consuming-_ it was hard to think, let alone remember his _identity_. He had such a long time to come to terms with his inevitable demise- when he was completely erased and taken over by a feral beast working on instinct alone, but he still wasn't ready.

He had pondered telling his family numerous times when the suffocating static kept him awake way past the 12 o’clock mark; But he knew there wasn't much that could be done. He remembered the relief he had felt when they discovered his ability to uncorrupt gems, the feeling of belonging as he finally felt like he had a role in the team. That maybe catching up to his brothers wouldn’t be so hard after all. Maybe it was stupid of him to think that he wouldn’t somehow mess it up, it should have been the easiest thing in the world but then he had to go and start corrupting. He was the healer, he shouldn't have become the one that needed saving. Why couldn't any of his brothers been gifted with healing tears instead?-if it hadn't been wasted on him, this wouldn't even be such a big deal, they could have fixed this by now. But  _ he _ was the one with healing tears, the half gem who could barely teleport when he needed to, the one who always messed up during missions, the one who couldn't even  _ cry _ properly. He had to fix this, but he couldn't and... wasn't that just pathetic.

He had just made it to lunch that day before his skin started feeling like it was melting and the static made it clear it was losing its patience. He had told brothers he was going out and that he would be with them at their usual patrol starting point. He took one last look at the lair and at his oblivious family before he left. 

He ran for who knows how long down the endless maze that were the sewer tunnels. It would do no good for his family to find him and see what had become of him, so leaving the city was necessary. If they found him he knew they would try and save him, but they didn’t have healing tears- they had to give up eventually, and then they would hate themselves for giving up because his family had hearts too big for their own good. If they never found out what happened, the idea of a missing family member would haunt them for a while, but him as a person was easy to move on from- he was forgettable on a good day anyways.

He stopped dead in tracks when the tunnel he was traveling in turned out to be a dead-end- or rather it used to lead somewhere but had recently collapsed. He could have turned back the way he came, but that would cost him too much time, and as he looked at his now feather-covered left arm, he knew he didn't have much left. He tested the waters and lifted up a nearby manhole cover, luckily the sun had mostly set and the manhole was in an alleyway. He pushed his teleportation to its limit, trying to get as much distance as he could; If there were any witnesses, he would have looked more like a blue blur than a humanoid turtle.

He was just about to reenter the sewer through another alley manhole when the static finally got tired of waiting. While before it simply dragged its nails across the back of his mind, it now felt like it was clawing-  _ tearing _ his mind apart with its talons like it was made of rice paper. He didn't feel it when his knees hit the ground, nor did he feel his hands break his fall, keeping him from completely falling over, he also didn't register the feathers completely smother his body

No, he only snapped back into his body, when he felt the searing sensation of him bursting into blue flames. But by then, the static had fully taken control.   
  


\-----------

He drifted between consciousness and unconsciousness, trapped in a push and pull battle between both of them. He didn't know how much time had passed, just that it felt like a long time had passed.

He came to, white noise still buzzed loudly as he struggled to make out clear thoughts. As he discovered, the drag of sleep and fatigue was too heavy on his eyelids as he struggled to lift them an inch, even as his thoughts became easier to understand as time moved slowly.

Faintly he could hear his brothers by his side, it sounded like they were straining their voices, shouting even, but for what? He didn't know. He tried with a herculean effort to lift a limb, a hand-anything, but all he could do was twitch a finger, his body too heavy to move.

The sound of his brothers brought about a sense of comfort though, as a heavy blanket of security was put over him, lulling him to sleep yet again. He couldn't fight it as the warm feeling of unconsciousness welcomed him back into their arms.

Sometime later he stirred again, feeling slowly seeped into his veins despite the darkness, he could feel his awareness of his surroundings sluggishly catch up as he struggled to reboot. One by one his senses awoke, the sensation of ants crawling on his arm as blood flowed steadily into it, the sound of chattering in the distance, and the comforting and unique smell of home gave him a sense of ease.

He could feel his shell being pressed against the stiff mattress under him, he tried to move to get out of the uncomfortable position and-  _ Wow am I sore _ .

It took a moment more for the thought to register then:  _ Holy shit, I can think! _

That gave him the spark of motivation needed to slowly open his eyes, thankfully the light hanging above him was pretty dim so he wasn't immediately blinded. There was only one room in the lair that had Donnie had installed a dimmer in, so that told him he was in the med bay. If that didn't give it away, the beeping of a nearby heart monitor and the IV drip stuck just below his right elbow would have done it.

But as it was, his attention was mainly on one thought:  _ How did I come back? _

Leo brought his ungloved and unhooked arm up to his face and dragged his hand across it. Here he was, laying on a cheap hospital gurney they’d “borrowed” from a junkyard, his arms were covered in bandaids, and a pretty nasty headache was blossoming in his skull.

But he was alive, he was  _ himself _ \- and that was all that mattered to him. It was so long since he last remembered thinking so clearly, last felt his sense of self- and the best part was that:  _ the static was gone _ , or at least, insignificant enough to be ignored. It was refreshing, like tasting freshwater, that was so clean, so  _ pure _ , unlike the constant stream of distortion that polluted his thoughts daily.

Luckily, no one was around to see him shed some regular tears. He could hear his brothers talking in the kitchen but the distance between them made it impossible to connect the sounds into a comprehensible conversation. On the bright side, it meant no one had been injured enough to be here with him.

A few minutes later, he heard the chattering die down and the sound of footsteps getting closer. He took the opportunity to wipe away his tears and inject his usual bravado into his expression, while trying to guess which one of his brothers was coming. When the curtain finally got pulled back, he ended up being right on the money.

“Hey,” was the first and only word his brain conjured up, which would have been pretty uncharacteristic of him if it weren't for the circumstances.

They had locked eyes and his unofficial twin’s gaze had softened a bit.

“...Hey.”

Donnie had walked over and slunk down into a nearby chair, resting his elbows on his knees

“Wow, I can't believe you would keep me waiting in the dark by myself.” Even though the act of smirking made his headache worse, he forced one out anyway to maintain some sort of normalcy between them.

Donnie rolled his eyes and his gaze returned to its default sharpness. “You’re insufferable” he muttered, but it lacked any bite.]

While he would have been happy to keep up the mock offense, he mustn’t have been able to hide the grimace fighting to take residence on his face, because Donnie stood up and walked over to the sink.

He came back with a glass of water and a couple of pills, and while Leo could have gone without the jostling involved in Donnie helping him sit up, he couldn't deny the water did make his throat feel less like sandpaper that was full of staples; He just had to hope the pills were just ibuprofen and not some experimental nanotech.

Donnie sat back into his chair, he fished for his phone as he watched as Leo swallowed the pills. He sent a quick text to the family group chat,  _ he's awake. _

  
“Where are the others?”

  
“Coming, I just-” The door burst open, a panting Raph stood at the doorway, a bouncing Mikey not too far behind. “-texted them.”

“Leo!” Mikey exclaimed, “You aren’t dying right?”

“I don’t think he’d be awake if he was dying, Mikey.” Countered Raph, ever the voice of reason even when it wasn't as steady as usual.

“Still though!” Mikey replied as he slid past Raph and sat on the foot of the uncomfortable gurney with a small ‘huff’.   
  


“No one’s dying guys, you’re stuck with me for  _ at least _ another 6 decades. Give me a day and I’ll be up and running again.” Leo laughed out, glad to see his family made it out fine, he wasn’t lying about the running part though, he was never one to like being cooped up in the infirmary.

  
When Raph finally decided to get out of the doorway, he turned his back for a second to wipe his tears, an action Leo pretended not to notice as Raph leaned against the wall, he wasn't really one to talk.

“Anyway…” Donnie drawled as he removed the heart monitor clip from Leo’s finger, calling the attention back to himself. “Completely disregarding the fact that you could have broken the door, let’s get on with the interrogation shall we?” 

“Ugh, can’t that wait?” Leo groaned, “I mean I just woke up after-” It only hit him then that he had no clue what day it was.

“Hey uh, what's the date?”

“The eighth, you were… turned for about three days.” his eldest brother had told him.

"Uh," he paused, it was the 1st when he corrupted, he knew that at the very least. "The math isn't really adding up." He trailed off.

Thankfully Donnie was quick to elaborate.   
  


”After you uncorrupted, you had a high fever for about four to five days, luckily it broke last night. Heads up!” He added that last part as an afterthought as he took the IV out of Leo’s arm, eliciting a short "ow" out of pure instinct, before Leo belatedly realized that it hadn't stung at all. “The strain on your gem half may have caused your organic half’s immune system to be all out of whack but that's purely speculation at this point.”

“It was crazy,” Mikey bounced slightly against the mattress, a grimace on his face. “I didn't even know the thermometer could go that high.”

Unsure how to respond to such a revelation, Leo went to rub the back of his neck,but paused midway through the action. He examined his arm and found his markings had changed from their usual triangular shape. His first thought was that they now looked like palm fronds. But the more he examined them, the more he realized that the edges were frayed and split apart rather than smooth and sharp, making them look less like leaves and more like-

_ Feathers _

Raph followed his line of sight downwards to his arm, Leo should have known his corruption would have left scars, it did all the other gems anyway. Donnie carefully applied the gauze to the weeping wound the IV tube had left, meanwhile, his limb enhancer’s mechanical fingers held his phone out to Leo.

“Here.”

It took Leo a second to adjust to the sudden bright light when he turned on the phone, the fleeting message of  _ ‘I'm coming’ _ on Donnie’s lock screen was quickly forgotten as he switched to camera mode and held the phone up to his face with his free hand. He struggled to keep a straight face when the changes registered. His blue markings had also lost their sharp and sleek form and adopted a feather-like design, the split ends also incorporated a more teal color at its tips.

The main attraction however, was his eyes. Gone were their natural teal hue, his irises were now a permanent ring of neon green, his pupils were white and shaped like diamonds. Well isn't that just the funniest joke in the world, the most worthless member of the team had literal diamonds- the strongest gem- imprinted into his eyes as if fate wanted him to have a permanent reminder of his own powerlessness.

“Well, I always told you guys I was half diamond.”

He could practically feel them glaring a hole into his skull, even without looking up, which was the typical response to most of his jokes but-

"Could you for once read the room?” When Raph snapped at him, Leo realized what he’d done.

He’d scared them, more specifically he’d made them scared for  _ him _ . He looked at his brothers more closely and noticed the bags under their eyes, but.. if he'd been turned back four days ago... why would they look like they haven't slept in days?

Unless the fever had been worse than he thought.

He remembered how stressful it was whenever Raph corrupted, but at least his body didn't try to fry itself afterwards. Raph wasn't a burden- he would never be a burden, that was Leo’s job. Raph was the leader, the protector, Leo on the other hand was the dead weight; They'd allow him to tag along because of misplaced affinity and his sheer persistence, if they knew how worthless he actually was, he was bound to be cast aside.

He swallowed against the lump of ash in his throat.

“I’m..sorry-”

_ For letting you down, if that was even possible with the bar set so low. For Not being able to stop it from happening. For tricking you- tricking myself into thinking I could be useful- _

“-For worrying you.”

Raph sighed and pinched the skin between his eyes. “You don't have to apologize for that, none of us will ever blame you for that.”

“Yeah, it's not like you knew it was coming anyway.” Mikey said with such confidence that it made Leo’s skin crawl.

And maybe there were a hundred different things he could have said that wouldn't cause such a kerfuffle- but being the dumbass he was- said the one thing that would give him away.   
  


“Indubitably”

“…....”

_ Shit. _

Leo quickly looked away, he wasn't exactly sure  _ what _ he would find on his brothers’ faces but he was pretty sure that it would be harder to swallow than any pill on earth. He felt Donnie tighten his grip on his arm before he let him go.

“You knew that it was going to happen." Donnie repeated flatly, struggling to register the statement by tasting the words himself. 

"What makes you say tha-"

  
“Leo,”

“ _ Please. _ ”

"...It doesn't matter now." Leo argued, he would rather concentrate on the alarming number of cracks that the wall next to him than face his brothers. "I'm fine aren't I? It's over now, it doesn't matter anymore."

"But- Why would- Why?!" Donnie tripped over his question in his denial, he looked back to his hands, looking increasingly tempted to bury his face in them. He took a deep inhale, trying to calm himself. "So you knew it was going to happen, but you didn't think to tell us?!" Leo’s gaze snapped up to look at him, at the anger and hurt swimming around. The intensity of the glare almost made Leo wish he was still corrupted, he wasn’t equipped to handle this, despite all the time he spent preparing, he wasn't prepared to handle the aftermath.

“...would you believe me if I said I considered it?”

Raph slid down the wall he was leaning against; He stared forward, opening and closing his beak.

“How long have you known?”

Leo was twelve when he realized what the white noise was. He thought it would be a one-off thing, but it kept growing, consuming, becoming his thoughts. He couldn't tell them how much tears he tried to use to get it to go away already, but it was probably a whole ocean's worth. One day in between the painful process of him forcing out tears that weren't earned; He just couldn't cry anymore, and the ineffective treatment from his tears acting more like a painkiller that numbed the pain temporarily than an actual remedy, he just- gave up. He couldn't go on, he couldn’t put himself through the physical and emotional pain he put himself through to encourage a single tear to fall, most of the time to no avail too. He just resigned himself to his fate, if healing tears couldn't fix it, what could?

“Not long… it's not like I knew the exact time and date that I'd change alright?" He rubbed the back of his head, unintentionally wincing as he felt how sore his arm was as he reached back. "Besides, did you really think I would have gone topside if I knew it was going to happen that day?"

They couldn't exactly argue with that.

“What were you even doing all day, you didn't take your phone with you, how were we-” Mikey trailed off.

_ SHIT  _

"-supposed to find you..." 

The realization settled slowly into their minds, Leo did nothing to rebut the statement, knowing nothing he said would change their minds, instead taking the short moment of silence to mentally prepare for another emotionally charged heart-to-heart he wasn't sure he could take.

_ This just in: Local half gem continues to dig his own grave. _

“Mikey I-”

“You didn't want to be found, did you?”

Mikey’s hands were curled into fists and he gripped the blanket tightly. In the dim light, Leo couldn't see Mikey's eyes, he wouldn’t have even if he could either, because he knew it would only make him fall apart.

"What gives you the right Leo?" Mikey jabbed, piercing his heart. "To just disappear without saying anything?"

Leo took a deep breath, praying that the reactions he would get weren't as bad as he was preparing for.  _ Here goes nothing. _

"What did you want me to do? What if you guys couldn't bring me back? What good would knowing about my condition have don-" He gestures his hands around wildly before he was abruptly cut off.

"Oh, and we would have been  _ fine _ not knowing what happened to you." Donnie spat out, but the way his voice cracked gave away his surging emotions he was trying to hold back. "You're going by this assumption, correct?"

Raph stayed silent, processing the information as Mikey continued to grip the duvet even tighter somehow, Donnie waited impatiently for Leo to reply with something.   
  
“Did you guys even notice I was gone? Did you notice as I started slipping?” Leo asked as he avoided the question, though the  _ yes _ to the question felt louder than the accusations he gave out. “Or was I that good of an actor that you didn’t notice me hurting. Maybe you didn’t care enough to notice-”   
  
“ _ We don’t care? _ Listen to how ridiculous you sound right now! Of course we care-” Donnie’s voice grew louder in volume. The silent Mikey was trying to process how he could have possibly failed his brother so much that he doesn’t think that they loved him.   
  
“And when have you shown you cared? Huh?!” Leo flailed his arms, nearly hitting Mikey, “All you do is keep telling me to-” Leo held up his hands to form inverted commas, mockingly mimicking Donnie’s voice “-‘ _ get out of my lab’ _ , _ ‘leave me alone’,  _ what was I supposed to think?”

“Leo, did you really think you didn’t have a role in the family?” Mikey shakily asked, and though the voice was soft, it carried more weight than the heated argument they were having.   
  
“Of course you do Leo! Don’t you see how impor-” Donnie tried to reason-  __

“Right, ‘cause I’m the healer, that’s my job isn’t it, I’m the one who fixes things after they are broken, don't I?” Leo’s claws dug into his biceps and held himself close. Leo screamed, “The one whose power couldn't even do its job when he needed it!”   
  
“Leo, calm down for a moment.” Came Raph’s voice, though it was mostly steady, Leo could have heard the underlying tremors if he was calmer. “We don’t need to scream to have this conversation.”

Leo relaxed his arms, letting them fall back into his lap. He took a few breaths to try to control himself but it didn’t work at all, his emotions were just as high as before, he still wanted to lash out in anger and  _ hurt _ something, maybe even someone-    
  
“And Leo, we found a bottle in your room labeled  _ emergency only _ , care to explain what that is?” Donnie’s voice was sharp, cutting through his thoughts. Leo took a moment to school over his emotions and voice, though it didn’t do much good   
  
“It was a bottle of healing tea-”

“And why were they in your room?”

“Can’t you read it’s for  _ emergencies _ , wow Don, I thought you were smarter than this.”   
  
“And what emergencies would you need it for? We already have a communal jar for tears in the living room, but no, you still need to have another bottle- so let me ask you Leo. What. Is. It. For.”

“I’m not telling you.”   
  
“Why? So we can pry the answer out of your hands-”   
  
_ “It was supposed to fix me!” _

Stunned silence.

"It was supposed to fix me" He repeated.

He tightened his grip on his biceps- when did his hands get there again? Leo didn’t know- but his knuckles turned white from pressure and pain, but he didn't care- he just wanted to hide from the world, from them. He choked on a sob as he shakily breathed in, face tucked as best he could in his arms. Tears and mucus streamed down his face and he could taste the salt of them as they dripped into his mouth, hanging open to try and taste more air. "It was supposed to-" He got cut off by his lack of air, and had no choice but to look back up towards his brothers.

" _ I  _ was supposed to fix me-" His voice was too soft to hear but he didn't care, "I was supposed to fix me and the worst -hic- the worst part is that it didn't even matt-" he cut himself off short- they didn't need to know that.

He wheezes shallowly for the next 20 seconds, trying desperately to catch a breath with his nose, but the torrent of tears and mucus covered his nostrils. In his struggle, he tried to use his blanket to blow his nose- but he was so sorely lacking in air that he couldn't blow much of it out.

_ I can't breathe- _

His mouth felt dry all over again, he needed tissues or something- it was too stuffy, the tension too thick- Leo felt the brunt of its weight on his shoulders as he struggled to work his body properly to breathe.

“Raph, get the tissues.” 

  
“But what about Leo-”   
  
“Leo’s struggling to breathe- he needs tissues.”   
  
Reluctantly, Raph got up from the floor to get the tissues from the kitchen, leaving Donnie and Mikey to deal with the sobbing Leo. Unable to hold back his emotions, he rested a hand on his brother’s shoulder. Leo's head snapped up from the sudden contact- finally addressing his brothers properly, the troubled tumbling thoughts from earlier just incoherent ramblings of a stressed-out mind. He knew he couldn't ignore their presence anymore, he just wanted them to get the box of tissues faster, or for them to leave so he can wallow in the tub of self-pity.

  
Raph came back with the tissues in his hand, his worry intensified when he saw Leo’s face now that it was properly on display for all of them to see, finally lifted out of his arms that he had previously buried into.

Etched onto his face was deep worries and anxiety, finally manifesting onto his person. It was scrunched up in so much guilt, so much sadness- he suddenly looked such a far cry from the fourteen-year-old kid he actually was, instead an old man spilling his life regrets in war. His facial muscles twitched, it took so much strain and effort to maintain the wrinkles and properly express his pain in a non-violent way like scratching himself or tearing his head until it bled- The shadows that took residence on his face were long and dark, as if accumulated over years of sorrow and pain.

Raph offered the tissue box with an outstretched hand, which Leo gladly took not only as a chance to wipe his tears, but also as a way to cover his face yet again so he could try to relax the tensed facial muscles. Thankfully, the brothers gave Leo the time to blow his nose and calm down. The ensuing silence made Leo hope that that would be the end of the questions, but his older brother was quick to douse that hope.

"Leo... What did you mean when you said it didn't matter?"

Ha. He was hoping to avoid this question, but his brothers were perceptive, always been.

"I'm here aren't I?" His voice climbed in pitch and loudness, he winced, and blew his nose to get it back under control. "You brought me back, even without my healing tears."

Donnie probably found a way to cure him with his tech, or maybe they found someone else with healing tears that could actually use it properly, ha, that just goes to show how important he wa-

"We didn't bring you back..."

Leo looked at his brothers confused.

"You did."

"...I'm sorry, what now?" he said in a disbelieving snort, how would that work anyway. 

“Your healing tears, they... worked.”

_ They couldn’t have- _

  
“D-don’t lie to me” Leo managed to shift his back a bit higher, letting Mikey’s hand fall back onto the blanket; He wanted to get up, but he knew he couldn’t, not yet, but he still wanted to at least pretend he had some control of himself and the room.

Raph sighed, resigned. “Leo, we aren’t lying-”

What if Raph wasn’t lying- what if his tears did work- then why didn’t they work before? They had no reason to be lying to him, but accepting that meant accepting that once again he failed them, because he could have-  _ should  _ have prevented his own corruption- should have prevented the hurt and harm he caused them and accepting that also meant that-

Leo clutched his head in his hands and brought his knees to his chest despite all the pain he felt.

  
“I’ve been crying useless tears for so long- It  _ hurt _ to cry- I was so  _ miserable _ , for  _ so long- _ ” He couldn’t breathe properly; his breath grew shorter and shallower. “Now you’re telling me that- after  _ all that _ pain I put myself through, to try and  _ help  _ myself- the only time it worked was when I was-”

_ Already broken _

“You know what- yeah that makes  _ perfect _ sense.” he said mockingly, even as tears streamed down his face, fate just  _ loved _ to mess with him, didn’t she. He pinched his brow, trying to relieve the migraine that was getting worse by the moment. ”Leave to ol’  _ Leon _ to not be able to  _ cry _ properly.”

“Why couldn’t any of you been gifted healing tears instead?” Leo asked no one, even though he said it aloud- too exhausted to filter his thoughts for his brothers. What he was scared of revealing had already come pouring out, what’s the harm of ripping his broken pieces out for all to see?

_ They’ve already realized how hopeless I am,  _ He mused ruefully, letting all of his thoughts out into the silent room.    
  


_ And here they thought healing their brother’s corruption would be the hard part.  _

The brothers were at a loss, what were they supposed to do? What  _ could _ they do- say that wouldn't just make their brother feel worse? It was shocking to see their brother spill all his insecurities like this; his presence a constant comfort and reminder to remain optimistic even in the face of adversity. Sometimes when the brothers had a bad day and couldn’t sleep, he’d invite them to a round of smash and would purposely lose so he could make them happier.

And as much as they hated his  _ battle banter _ , which often caused him to get distracted in battle, it always alleviated the tension of battle, letting them have fun when they really should have been scared for their lives. It made patrolling that much more fun to come back to every week.

To think that Leo hurting for  _ so long _ , Raph took it the hardest- he was the leader, he was the responsible one- maybe if he had been a better brother- looked out for all of them better-, Leo wouldn’t be here sobbing candidly - heck, maybe Leo wouldn’t even have corrupted in the first place.

Even still, Raph remembered that he could fight a hundred battles, but he can never quite learn how to fight someone else's demons for them. If they were the attackers of the battle, the most you could do was provide the best support you could, ironic how the cleric had to overcome the hardest hitting boss at the moment. Even if they were lost on the best way to offer their support, they weren't going to just leave Leo to his battle alone; what kind of family would they be if they did? 

The silence had to be broken eventually, them staring at Leo wouldn’t bring about anything good, so Raph took the initiative.

_ “ _ You wanna know why you could bring yourself back, even at your lowest?” Raph asked in a tone that demanded an answer.

“Because I'm weak?” was the only answer that Leo could think of, after all, It's not that hard to climb up from rock bottom.

“No, it’s because you’re strong.” Raph stated matter-of-factly.

That didn’t make any sense at all, how could he ever be strong- he unlocked his powers last out of his family. Even now, he  _ still _ doesn’t have a grasp on his powers, no matter how hard he trained he would  _ always _ be in their shadows, miles behind the standard they were at. 

“To come back after all that? I’d say you’re pretty strong Leo.” Mikey confessed when he saw Leo’s conflicted expression.

“And as much as I’ll regret this later, it has to be said that it's admirable that you held on, given that, how do I put this, your immune system was self-immolating.” Donnie admitted, too wary to fully put down his emotional walls, a part of him didn’t really believe that Leo could ever be like this, that it was a sick joke and he was going to pull the carpet from under them, though his logical side knew otherwise.

“Aw, you really think so?” Leo joked, though it fell flat with his failed attempt at his signature grin and the shaky voice.

“Can…” Mikey began, pulling Leo’s attention towards himself, instead of saying anything more, he stretched his hands instead, giving Leo the opportunity to accept and initiate a hug.

Leo hesitated for only a second before he slowly accepted the invitation, letting Mikey engulf him in an embrace. His breath shuddered even harder than before, and his sobbing only got more pronounced, shoulders shaking with the intensity of each gasp, when he felt two more sets of arms settle on his shell.

“Sometimes I’d think you didn’t care,” he conceded one of his biggest insecurities, he felt his brothers huddle closer as he did, “Sometimes I’d wake up so lost and confused, I thought that you would have noticed something if you cared about me. It made me think that I didn’t deserve your concern, plus it was only such a small thing in comparison to what we do every day, I thought that I would, I don’t know, waste your time on something as trivial as me.” 

“We did notice.” Mikey confessed, expression shameful as he knew that he should have brought it up to someone else earlier.

“You know Leo, for how much you seem to wear your heart on your metaphorical sleeves, we do notice when you slip up sometimes, you always seemed busy with something even if we were on patrol or playing smash- sometimes you’d let me kick your ass too.” Donnie admitted with a slight hint of pride in his voice

“That was on purpose,” Leo protested.

“Yeah well, we will never know.”

“I think you don’t give us enough credit- we’re your brothers, we watch out for you even when you think you’re not looking.” Raph said, “Lately you’ve been kind of distant, not spending as much time with us, your attendance for weekly patrol dwindling- as much as you try to play it off as laziness we can see past that Leo.”

“We just... weren't sure what to do.” Donnie admits, “I’d notice when you seemed too serious at times, and then do a complete 180 a split second later. I should have brought it up but I didn’t know what to say, none of us do, that’s why we’re here now, aren’t we.”

  
  


“I’d just thought that I was so useless on the field, I was kind of scared that you’d give up if uncorrupting me seemed impossible, maybe keep me locked up until you could work up the nerve to, I don’t know, put me down or something? I mean, I can’t even summon my weapon half the time, so until I can bring it out I just stand there being useless and a liability- I can’t even heal any of you if you get hurt, but then what was the point of me being the medic or having healing tears then?”

“Leo, we love you for being you! You’re our brother, it doesn’t matter what you bring to the team, we’re family first, Mad Dogs second.  _ Leo _ the person isn’t defined to what he brings to the team because my brother-” Mikey pulls an arm away from Leo to jab him in the center of his plastron “-is more important to me.”

Apparently the pool of tears that he cried within the hour alone wasn’t enough, as another tidal wave of tears were let out. Offhandedly, he realized that if he cried anymore he would probably be as dehydrated as a raisin, but in the moment he couldn’t care any less, the tears felt so cathartic running down his face, finally letting loose all the anguish he had harbored for so long. 

“Can we hug more often?” Mikey asked, “I don’t want to only hug you guys when we’re all so emotional, besides more hugs could do us good!”

“Things aren't going to get better overnight,” and that somewhat disappointed Leo, though he logically knew recovery was a slow-going process, just look at Raph for example; It took them years to finally find a good coping mechanism for Raph and it paid off, he hasn’t corrupted in years, and that’s a testament to his recovery.

Leo still doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of love or their concern, years of intrusive thoughts does that to a person- it isn’t like in fiction, where the character’s life suddenly sets back onto the right track, all the pessimistic thoughts and static won’t stay away for long,and they certainly won’t disappear for good

And maybe there would be a day when the static would claim him once more, but the possibility didn't scare Leo as much anymore, for even if he did fall back into the suffocating static, he could always rely on his amazing family that would be there to pull him back.

And they always will.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hey Youngblood, doesn't it feel  
> like our time is running out?  
> I'm gonna change you, like a remix  
> Then I'll raise you, like a phoenix 
> 
> Wearing our vintage misery  
> No, I think it looked a little better on me  
> I'm gonna change you, like a remix  
> The I'll raise you, like a phoenix
> 
> -The Phoenix by fall out boy


End file.
